9:52 PM

Some Deeper thoughts

It has been quite the week around here. Lorelei is still on her strike against sleeping through the night. She has been waking around 2 am, than 5, than 7, 8, and 9 am. I am trying everything I can think of to return her to her previous state of sleeping all the way through. However, in the mean time, we are back to being tired as can be around here. It is difficult to plan or anything when you are in this state and it has led to some harsh words between some of us. However, it is alright, we always make it through.

I was bathing Lorelei just a bit ago, and some things occurred to me. Often, we hear on the news about awful things that have been done to infants and children. We don't hear only hear it on the news, though, there are many around that have endured various abuses. Many of you already knew, though not all, that I am a person that knows the pains of abuse first hand from the very man who assisted in the conception of me. This has led to many things in my mind even as early as finding out that we were pregnant.

I cannot wrap my mind around anyone who can hurt a child, especially an infant. I look at my daughter, and although I know that a 'normal' person wouldn't do such, I think of how many out there have various mental illnesses that prevent them thinking like a normal person would in such a situation. There are alcoholics and drug addicts who don't know what they are doing, they do horrible things in a blur. I knew a man who was accused of sexually abusing his stepdaughter. He could not properly defend himself because he was unsure whether he did it due to the drunken stupor he was in at the time in question. In a case such as that, or such as mental illenss, I feel bad for the person in a way that in the offender. In the case of Richard, my biological father, this is a man who will (as far as I am concerned) never know where I am, never know of my pending marriage, and most certainly never know of his granddaughters' existance for her own safety.

It is difficult to fathom how someone like an alcoholic or drug addict cannot understand that they are hurting people, however by the time that these things typically occur, it is often at that point the addiction that has taken over and it is very difficult to get through to them. By that time, they often become the victim in their own minds. It seems they either think that everyone is out to get them and accuse them or that they need to put on a face and convince everyone that all is well and try to hide what is going on. They never realize that usually everyone can see right through them. It is difficult to watch a family be torn apart by alcohol or a drug. Hard to watch an offspring stare at their parent with hurt and anger in their eyes, and even worse is when that parent cannot see this, or cannot seem to push to fix what is going on. Addiction is a tough battle. I see it as a similar battle to cancer, although at the same time, cancer, at least there are often outside things to assist in the battle for your life back. You often have the option of chemotherapy and radiation. Addiction, you have to look outside of yourself and surround yourself with the right things. There is no magic cure. But it is always worth it to get better and pull your family together.